The Journey

Recovery from Trauma

I started my book with an idea that if I could document the “truth” about what happened to me while I was growing up, perhaps I could really put it behind me once and for all. I also saw it as a challenge to focus on one general topic in my writing rather than writing in journals or on any topic that caught me fancy. I looked at the stacks and stacks of journals in my garage cabinet and realized that I could end up with a book if I just had an overarching plan.

Over the years I was always intrigued about the idea that my father was such a anomaly of a person. On the one hand, he could be gentle, helpful, and even kind. After all, he was a successful pediatrician with the health of countless babies and growing children under his care.

But on the other hand, he was an intriguing nightmare of a person. You see, he was also a drug addict, alcoholic streetfighter. And his street fighting mentality did not end with his youth. In fact, well into his late 50’s and early 60’s he was willing to challenge much younger men to a fight if they somehow disrespected him. This was true even after many years of 12-step recovery and sobriety from both drugs and alcohol. Some might call him a warrior, but when his wrath turned on his wife and children, he was more like a terrorist.

I was also hopeful in embarking on this writing journey to find a way to make peace with myself and better deal with the aftermath of PTSD induced by both being a victim and a witness to scenes of violence and menace against the family. One thing I learned was that the number of truly traumatic, “The Shining” like episodes was limited and could be counted on one hand. However, the threat of violence was there in that house much more often and the potential lethal force he could unleash was absorbed into my soul, leaving me with a tattered nervous system and a tendency to escape through drugs, alcohol, and isolation. I learned that my limited ability to trust and enjoy being around people is a symptom of my upbringing as well as my culture.

I really enjoyed using some tools of creative non fiction to empower the frozen boy into action and recapture some of my masculine identity. I learned that the boy doesn’t have to be a “coward” anymore that current situations are different than in my childhood. And that my dangerous, terror-inducing father couldn’t harm me anymore. This sounds like common sense to most people, but the trauma is embedded in the body as well as the mind and many trauma survivors are still haunted by hyper vigilance, social emotional avoidance, addiction, and a tendency to overreact. The healing journey isn’t as easy as the “just get over it” attitude of some people in our lives.

All and all, the writing of my book was a life-affirming experience that validated my right to speak out and to honor the child whose innocence was prematurely stolen.

Going forward, I will be making efforts to promote my book so that the still-suffering addict, trauma survivor will find a kindred spirit in the abuse and in the recovery and desire to enjoy life while being of love and service to his or her fellow human beings.

You can find my book at this link: Freedom and Dysfunction in an All-American Family.