Recovery Takes Time

I remember the early part of my recovery from alcohol and drugs. I went from deeply depressed,  broke and unemployable, homeless, isolated and alone to a clean and sober, spiritually awakened, productive, physically fit, career changing and “successful” individual all within a span of about 2 years. The trajectory was not vertical but it was steadily rising at at least a 90 degree angle. Then, slowly the steep rise began to flatten out as problems with work, in relationships,  and with other addictions began to emerge, making my life unmanageable in new ways. At that point my recovery started to take the shape of a helix with two steps forward and one step back. Then, after the pressures of marriage,  children,  and a demanding career at times, even without a drink or a drug, my progress felt like the number 8 with some growth but equal times of plateau and regression.  That was very painful, but it taught me humility, defined here as being teachable, open, and vulnerable. The truth is that for me, it has been a choice between humiliation and humility.  Sometimes, I stubbornly hang on to old patterns I learned in childhood, especially during the trauma years. When I do that, I get to experience humiliation until I surrender and accept humility as a better path. For example, if I am overeating candy, cookies, cakes, ice cream, and chips, I can choose to deny or minimize this reality or I can take action that will help me find more sanity around food choices. I refused to do this for several years, and I had to face the humiliation of becoming obese, my clothes not fitting, my self-image damaged, my joints crumbling. But I became desperate enough to be teachable and open to healthy suggestions. It felt vulnerable because I didn’t want to admit that I had a new problem that my facade of a healthy recovery was cracking. Then, things began to change, but only very slowly.  I wanted to give up because my pride told me I wasn’t that fat that it was no big deal. But I kept trying, listening to and taking suggestions,  admitting that even with all my years of recovery,  I was still struggling.  Today, I’m happy to report that I’ve been at a healthy weight for 5 years. I gave away my fat pants, have the same waist size as in college, I don’t need a cpap machine, and I very rarely have acid indigestion. 

But the struggle continues. Around the internet, intimacy, and spending. I have been committed to this process for over 30 years, and I hope to remain committed for 30 more. A famous saying goes, “Progress not perfection!” Boy, isn’t that a fact.